My Story

I am a survivor of domestic violence. As a college student, I met a young man who brought excitement to my life as we went skiing, rock climbing, and whitewater rafting together. I didn’t know that on the other side of his charming charisma was a man who would do anything he could to control the one he loved. We married, and even when I did realize how troubled he was, I thought I could help him and even fix him. In fact, I thought that as his wife it was my duty to do so.
I was wrong. But when I finally admitted there was nothing I could do to save him and that I must save myself, our lives were so intertwined that leaving was a great challenge. I left on three to four occasions, each time gaining more strength and confidence that I could make it on my own.
The last time I left I had gone back because he was making many of the changes I had asked: he quit drinking, got a dependable job that could lead to a career, and started taking care of himself. I thought I owed it to my marriage to give it one more try. Even sober, he gradually became abusive again. When it finally escalated to the physical abuse with which I had become so familiar, I knew that I could no longer blame the alcohol, and that if I stayed, this was never going to stop.
I knew, though, that even though I moved six hours away from him, it wouldn’t be over when I left. I had to see him at our divorce hearings, of which there were many because he never came prepared with paperwork, and he always sought me out before in the waiting area or followed me out afterward. And of course I never brought anyone along with me because I was always afraid of what he would say/do to embarrass me in front of someone I knew, or what he might do to someone who was supporting me. I was able to pay off our debt within only a year, but it took me another three years to sell our home, four years to get him to pay his small agreed upon portion of the debt, and that only after jumping the necessary hoops to get his wages garnished, and I’m still feeling the effects of the financial abuse on my credit report. As for his harassing phone calls, it took about four years for those to stop.
When I left that last time and began dealing with the feelings I had all tangled up inside, I knew that while my family and friends were supportive, I needed to talk to people who understood what I was going through. The YWCA Resolve Family Abuse Program was my saving grace, providing weekly individual counseling, a support group, and financial and legal advice. Through their help, I finally healed to the point that I could participate in a healthy, loving relationship and reach for goals I never thought possible. Two years ago I married a wonderful man, one year ago my book Silent No More: Speaking Out About Domestic Violence came out, and next month, I will celebrate my beautiful son’s first birthday. I would never have reached this level of recovery without the help of the YWCA RFAP.